Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Honesty and the People You Love


It has been a hard couple of days. The bills have been piling up, and we currently have under 100 dollars to our names that isn't committed to some bill or another. Our minivan died AGAIN, after just having a new engine put in and driving it once. The air conditioner died Monday and it cost 500 dollars to fix today (Thank you, Grandma Cheri). We did a budget, and found that after all the monthly bills are paid, we have about a hundred bucks a month for, oh, stuff like FOOD.

Frustrating.

Fire-Eyes has been a wreck. Today as I was getting ready for work, she came into the bedroom and started crying. I wish I could say it was a rare occurrance, but not this month. I tried to comfort her, feeling ineffective and worried that I couldn't "make it better" immediately. I love her so much, I wish I could just snap my fingers and fix the world for her.

Then she said, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked.

"Well..." she paused. "It just seems like I came into your life and everything is screwing up!" And she was crying again.

This set alarms off in my head: It felt like she was saying she thought I would be better off without her! It was like a cold hand grabbed my heart.

"Baby," I started, "you're the best thing that ever happened to me--" She laughed suddenly in her tears, the hard "yeah, right" laugh you sometimes hear. You know the one.

I tried again. "Hon, what makes you think I HAD a life before you? I love you. You are the most important thing in my life!" I couldn't take it any more. I started crying even harder than she was. I felt like I was about to lose her.

I know that we are going through some difficulty, but as long as Fire-Eyes is by my side, we can face whatever life throws at us. I'll make it better. I already have a plan that will get more money in the house, so we won't have to get rid of the pets and the internet (yes, things are *that* tight). Besides, "A money miracle happens to me today". A little mantra/magic that I'm using. No harm in that, right?